Into a dark tunnel that I've no desire to crawl through, that I see no clear reason to want to emerge from intact.

It's an interesting thing, the disintegration of will and passion and all the things you thought made up who you were. Because at the root of it all, you were probably unchanged. At the core of it, you are tonight what you were when you woke up this morning. Except what you do doesn't quite align anymore; except you realize that what the world wants and what you want and what you think you want because the world has been so kind to suggest and recommend and push and guide--you realize that none of these things match.

And so while it isn't quite true that your past four years have been a waste (you're still getting a degree, you still learned, you still grew), there's an undeniable lack of any reason to push even further than what you need to get by.

Mediocrity is an awful excuse for anything, but it doesn't matter if you don't even care for that anymore, or don't care for those who do.

See, thing is, last night I was uncomfortable enough to jump in front of incoming traffic, to walk along the dark streets just to see how long it would take for a pickpocket to snatch my phone, for some mugger to decide to push a knife by my bag, my neck, my side. And I would push back, or so I felt last night. I would push back and call their bluff and make some of my own because there was nothing else to do. It has all been this moment and that, this test and that QPI. And now. Well.

What now?

So, the truth is, I'm still not so shallow as to not have studied because you didn't allow me to do so at his place. I didn't study because I couldn't understand on my own and, despite the fact that we end up arguing when we discuss logic and math and philosophy, he is the only one who would've bothered to teach me, who I wouldn't have been afraid to question, who wouldn't have been offending in pushing right back.

The truth is: what's the point in studying when clearly nobody cares enough to get you there? What's the point in passing an exam I never would've gone for on my own when the very people who wanted me to learn it have decided that I can do fine on my own, yes, and it doesn't matter that I can, because I no longer want to and so far (with the test a mere 10 hours 45 minutes away and with 4 hours of that being for class) I still cannot find enough reason within me to push.

---

Figures that my first post after well over a year would be so angry/angsty/confused.

Hello, world. What have you been up to?

I miss you.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Tags: future, school, thoughts, via ljapp
somewhere: Philippines, Calabarzon,Quezon City, Obrero

I don't feel so complete right now.

My dreams are a mess, my love is I-don't-know-how, and, seriously? This is quite possibly the most lost I've been.

This trip was supposed to help me find myself. You know, because of the independence shiz. And what do I find? That I don't know. That, given the world's riches on a platter, I don't know what I would get.

Should I choose to travel? To get high grades? To make new friends? To explore the city, to know the school, to see more than my building in this residence compound. Should I live every moment as if it were my last, with barely a passing thought as to it's consequences? Or should I live thinking about forever, about the possibility that someday, someway, everything I do will come crashing back to me?

What bothers me is that I'm considering - that I'm not certain enough of myself to say no at the onset; that I think I might actually benefit from getting something.

What bothers me is that, yesterday, when I paid for rent, I got €10 extra in change and I thought about not returning it and I actually walked away, scared of peer pressure, before coming back when I was alone.

Don't I know myself enough to be myself anymore? I used to, I think. I used to be able to brush off what other people thought because I knew what had to be done and I knew that I would do it.

And, again, although you won't see this as relating to anything: I am rent; torn between ideals and actions I was able to balance not 6 months ago. I am lost and am somehow getting more and more side-tracked until this moment, in which I don't know where or who I am, in which all I have are unpracticed words that come out jilted and awkward - babbling sentences which are far too long to have any coherence.

It's strange, but I dream, I love - and that's about it. Change leaves an awful effect on me, an unnatural taste in my thoughts.

I can't wait to be home, to have a year go by, to settle myself once again.

Tags: eep., rl, thoughts, writings
somewhere: Lyon
imaru go: ...
tuned in to: --

I look at my schoolmates' facebook pages and I think about the choices that brought me here. Today it was a lot about student council- and organization- related stuff. Sometimes it's about helping out my high school more, sometimes it's about... oh, I don't know. This and that. Being more active in my parish. Getting to know the people in my community. Joining leadership seminars. A whole host of what ifs.

Today, this morning, not half an hour ago, I was thinking about why I did not devote more time to the student council. I liked it. It was fun. It would definitely have helped me learn work ethic and maybe prepare me better for After College. A friend I worked with there is now invited to one of the most well-known leadership groups in the country, something my mom wanted me to join before.

And I think I could have, if I only spent more time doing that kind of thing. It wouldn't have been so bad. Just a little trade off by letting go of math (and, consequently, my course) in order to focus more on other things. That entire it's better to excel in one field than be mediocre in a dozen mentality.

But. No matter how many times I think that, I can't bring myself to quit. I chose my course for the challenge and, while I may have seriously underestimated the stress it could cause, to let go does not seem like an option. It's stupid, since I can't fight every battle and may as well have good reasons for the ones I do take on, but to drop out would seem to me like an entirely new level of failure - something unheard of that I will not ever let myself live down.

So, today, when I was reading posts about my schoolmates and how they're active in this organization and that, about how they enjoy and learn from their work, I thought about the choices I made to keep me from achieving anything like that - my opportunity costs, if you will.

I thought about my course and how I'm hardly excelling at it but how I'm too stupidly stubborn to give up. I thought about my friends - a much smaller and homogenized group (clearly not the ingredients for a vast network), but one in which I can find comfort and happiness and, cliche as it is, reasons to go on.

I thought about you - how we don't use post on each others' wall, how we're always together, how I don't want declarations - and how I don't know if, during the idle times of years ago, I remotely ever imagined you. I thought about how I cannot see things to be any other way now and how I cannot fully imagine next year.

I thought about my family and all the complexities that come with stashing a bunch of people under one roof, bound by social constraints and norms. I thought about the expectations, the disappointments - about settling for this because we cannot afford to have that.

I thought about what I have accomplished. Are they enough? Are they comparable? Should I really have devoted my time doing them instead of other tasks? Better yet: how can I do more? How can I do something of that level, of that magnitude? How?


It's too early, I miss my bed, and I am going to miss home quite terribly in less than two weeks. Anxious isn't quite the word, but I am excited and scared. It's a whole new level of something which I cannot place and am, in all honesty, a bit frightened to face.

Please.

This time next year I will be on the first semester of my last year in college. I pray that I will still be able to go through as I am doing so now.

Please. It's such a heavy word, laden with things I cannot and do not know how to articulate. But please, please, please. Not until we are ready.

It's wonderful, having someone to trust implicitly.

Thank You.

Tags: rl, thoughts, vacation, writings
somewhere: couch
imaru go: :)
tuned in to: --

Une.

---

12Jan10.

It's really something, being tired and worn out and swamped and still being able to smile because life is just beautiful like that.

Thanks<3

Tags: greetings, randomness., thoughts
somewhere: Home. :D
imaru go: :)
tuned in to: zounds.

when the only reason you aren't crying is because you haven't got any tears left.

That's just so f*cking messed up, don't you think?

Tags: thoughts
somewhere: couch
imaru go: cynical
tuned in to: --

Thing is, if I have to say it's fine - it probably really, really isn't.

Tags: thoughts
somewhere: couch
imaru go: :|
tuned in to: </3

Last Sunday, in mass (I think it was in mass), Mom told me that the polyps they found in dad's colon - those thingees they removed, they would be cancer.

Dad had asked: Oh, so I could have had cancer?
The doctor replied: No. You would have had it.

He now has to be checked every 6 months, just in case other stuff build up. I've been too preoccupied to think about it properly. Such stupidity.


Please let it be okay? Thank You <3


This couch is making me itchy. But running at the break of dawn is fun. In a deadly way. Haha. Should I study now? Yes, yes, I should. Meh.

Good night. :)

Tags: rl, thoughts
somewhere: couch
imaru go: yawn~
tuned in to: --

Maybe I see you.

Maybe you'd see me, too. If only you would look.

I don't want to say anything because you mean well, but dammit, I want to say everything because I don't know what else to do, how else to smile.

What happens if you're hungry but aren't, if you're tired as hell but can't get a fricking moment of rest unless you're on your way somewhere, unless you're sure you have a destination in mind? In cases like that the thought doesn't seem to count for much, even if I wished to jack it would.


Right now I want to: curl up under a blanket and ignore my frozen toes, try to remove the chill from my hands, make my eyes stop welling up, and sleep. With a bucket nearby. In case, you know, I decide to just throw the f*ck up already.

Swearing doesn't make me feel any better either. But there's no other way to say that.

Maybe I'd feel better if only I would let myself. If I would tell you and get it over with. If I never told you and got over myself. It doesn't seem possible.

Do you notice? Do you ever - when you can't see me, when you only have my words to go by?

Do you even know for absolutelycertainlysure who you are I'm talking about?


Whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Two weeks from now, it won't matter. Hardly changes anything, even now. Except for my appetite and blah. But who cares.


Yesterday I lost a small something I barely even noticed I had. It was on the bed, something that definitely didn't belong there. I put it in my pocket for safe-keeping, but it wasn't there when I wanted to look at it. So I spent the morning searching for it, lifting pillows and bags when I didn't even care for it before.

It turned up hours later, when I wasn't looking for it. Of course it was in my pocket, right where I had placed it. Of course.

At once I felt grateful and stupid. Things like that happen, right? We misplace, don't search well enough, ignore what we don't want to see. It's easy. It's sometimes all we can do.

After forever, will I be where I was before I lost myself into you?

That small something is now in a safe place, but not where it belongs. It won't be where it has to be till I stick it on again. Not too difficult a task, but you'd be amazed how much time that can take - if it gets seen to at all. Or maybe you wouldn't be at all surprised.

I don't know if I want to know.

Maybe I'll stay right where everything leaves me.


My schedule sticks it's tongue out at me and makes me feel stupid.

Tags: dreams, thoughts, writings
somewhere: Tita Bel's
imaru go: blah
tuned in to: --